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New Mommy. Same stress
Friday, June 23, 2006
been a mommy a year!
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: baby einstein lullaby classics
Hello...
so i dont write much on here anymore... starting blogging on MySpace and not really completly personal stuff since all my friends and family can read it but anyway kind of forgot about this blog till today when i got a new comment out of the blue. that was a major run on sentence haha
my little boy will be ONE on the 28th!!! he's really cute. he has really blonde hair, blue eyes. cute smile with dimples. he's not walking yet but can stand and cruise. he crawls and gets into everything.

im getting over PINK EYE! if u can believe that. went to visit my grandparents, my grandpa had it but we didnt know it was a contagious infection.. we just thought he hurt his eye so we werent careful about touching anything... then i got pink eye and so did my grandma. monday, (two weeks later just when i thought i'd be getting better) my vision was all blurry. i couldnt see jack. driving was scary.. everything in the store was fuzzy. so i went to an eye doctor and got new, better drops. my eyes arent 100% yet but better. i hope they go back or i'll have to get glasses i think! he put a lens in front of my eye and was like 'can u see now?' and i could!! which scared me bc i dont want glasses.

Still think about my mom, who passed away in November, a lot. i've had some sad dreams where i'm living in the house and dont realize its all burned and smokey. or that i think my moms alive but realize she isnt etc... finally faced the music and hired a probate attorney, who i DON'T like. she didnt have a will so gotta deal with all that crap... got the house , insurance checks and her bills to deal with... dont know if we will lose the house but i hope not. would like to fix it at least first, i found out its on commercial property now so it would be worth more. but as it is now, no one is gonna offer jack squat for it.. they'd have to put in like 100 grand to fix it at LEAST.

still living with my bf of 6.5 years. still not engaged grrr... his family asked last week if we were getting married and he said "i dont know!" yet, when i say i dont want to get pregnant again he says 'it wouldnt be a bad thing.' is he nuts? I know he wants one more child so ours wont be an only child, like we were. its just no fun.

well he's napping and i dont wanna waste my only free time on here. who's gonna read this anyway?? no one!

Posted by carmen at 4:36 PM CDT
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
my mom passed away...
Mood:  sad
Topic: family
my mom passed away on nov 23, the day before thanksgiving.. there was an accidental fire in her house... it was on all the news channels and newspaper.. so i could add a link but that would give away my name and where im from...
it has been a difficult time of course... maybe one day i will write about how it all happened.. its so depressing though. i just spent the last hour going thru this blog looking at entries about her... i wish i wouldnt have read them bc they were about bad things i had forgotten about but it doesnt matter now anyway.
i had a baby boy that will be six months old soon. she had just told me the week before that she was glad i had a boy even though she knew i wanted a girl. when i went over to visit she was all excited, when i walked in she was like 'the baby is here!' i am so upset that she is going to miss out on him.
not only have i lost my mom, who i lived with my whole life.. (parents divorced) i lost our house and my moms things...things i could have had to remember her by. i did get things but i dont know what will be salvagable and most things were downstairs and burned or broke. everything smells from smoke, like clothes. but even furniture and little things like a watch.
im still in shock about it i guess. i cant believe shes gone... and its easy to forget that the house is all a mess. i mean, i picture it in my head the way it was.
i will write later... i am really tired and the baby is laying across my lap smashing my arm...

Posted by carmen at 12:24 AM CST
Friday, October 7, 2005

I watched the Wedding Date last nite. I really liked the quote from Nick : "I'd rather fight with you than make love to anyone else." Ahh..thats sweet.


Posted by carmen at 3:29 PM CDT
Monday, October 3, 2005

Ugh yesterday my baby went big poddy on me. eww. and the couch. today he peed on me. fun times! not to mention the spit up and stuff.
my bf fell asleep on the couch again last night. GOD!

Posted by carmen at 6:12 PM CDT

{{sigh}} my bf fell asleep on the couch again tonight. he did attempt to sit next to me (FINALLY) and put his arm around me when i was upset. but then during CSI Miami, i look over and his head's back and he's sleeping.
the other night, this is not a lie... i actually went over to him on the couch and uh... started to have my way with him, haha. and he didnt wake up! he moaned a few times but he wasnt waking up so i got up. i mean, thats just boring . he swears i never did that but i did.

Posted by carmen at 12:01 AM CDT
Updated: Tuesday, October 4, 2005 1:03 AM CDT
Saturday, October 1, 2005

I miss going to movies on the weekends!!! An uneventful Friday night, my bf and i ate at Lonestar, the steakhouse. Payton came with us too of course. Then Chad fell asleep in the car on the way home and i went to walmart for just a few things but took advantage of the time out of the house to just look around. we got home and my bf just went and layed in bed and went to sleep. fun. i gave the baby a bath and put him to sleep. im afraid he has pink eye but i dont know. He had a lot of yellow discharge coming out of his left eye all day and i didnt think anything of it until later tonite... now im worried.

Did you know tripod has spyware? i just did a search for spyware with PestPatrol, on my bfs laptop and it was on here.

I added more things to my list of things I want to do at 43things.com


stop swearing

get organized

keep a clean house

spend less time on the internet


of course, here i sit on the internet so that rules out the last one , and keeps me from doing the other ones LOL and i sit here biting my lip which is one of things i want to stop doing. its hard.

this weekend my bf has Guard Drill (military) so that means more days alone. im sure his cousin wont like that he cant work around the house this weekend but he will probably just expect him to work at the airport from 7-4 and then come here and work his butt off till dark. {rolling eyes} my bf isnt apparantly 'allowed' to have any free time.

i kept on the internet like all day today or had the phone off so i wouldnt have to deal with the mom drama. i should be in bed but it feels like this time of night, when the baby is sleeping, is the only time i have guaranteed time to myself or to do anything

Posted by carmen at 1:33 AM CDT
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
bad day
Mood:  irritated
another crazy day dealing with my alcholic mother... she called and asked me to come up so she could get into the house. (the city wont let her in there alone) i came up and she was on the back porch on the lounge chair sleeping. she was like "oh hiiii, i love you, give me a hug." thats not normal for her. so i looked over and there was a big bottle of vodka, half of it gone already. then while she was laying there she started throwing up on herself. i was like "mom you threw up.' and then she just started throwing up more, it was really gross. i got her something else to wear. (it took forever to get her to put it on and she undressed right there on the back porch!) i had to get a wash cloth and make her wipe puke off of her face and chest... UGH. meanwhile it was hot as hell and we're outside and i've got the baby. im sweating my ass off getting ate up by mosqitoes, trying to feed and change a baby in my car... long story short, last i left my mom was just going to sleep on the back porch of her house. she wouldnt go stay with her friend. she was being beligerant, trying to like jump out of the car while i was driving her there... she walked to the near by Big Lots and i drove along side her trying to get her to turn around. it was like 9 at nite and i needed to feed the baby and get him home in the bath so i just left. i couldnt do anything with her. i worry about her but i dont know what i can do??? i drove all the way up there today to help her, thinking she was SOBER. i was going to take her to get her haircut to try and make her look/feel better, get her something to eat but instead she had to be drunk and everything.

to make things worse on the home front, by the time i got home, my workaholic bf (worked 12 hrs today) ate the dinner i brought him, took a shower while i gave the baby a bath, and then fell asleep on the love seat. OH WOW> we didnt even spend time together. we fought all last nite and i was crying.. he was online for hours playing poker. i never see him and then he spends all his time online. (he's sleeping right now so im not ignoring him) i wrote in my actual 'paper' journal last nite when i was upset. it just says how i cant get him to do anything for me. he once told me that it 'doesnt help pay the rent.' (like doing all the work for his cousin does) i couldnt even get him to help me change a lightbulb last nite. literally. i couldnt get the dome off the light. guess it will stay that way.

i was up until 4 last nite online, i couldnt sleep bc i was upset with my bf. and i found this website http://www.43things.com its a place where you list your goals, things you want to accomplish. it makes me really think. and you can also check off the things you have already done. sounds silly i guess. the things on my list to do:


stop biting my lip
finish college
study more
learn to cook
make a living will
make new friends
be a good mother
write my life story
stop worrying
go to al-anon
get a pedicure
get a massage
start exercising
stop being depressed
go to the dentist


thats all for now

Posted by carmen at 11:56 PM CDT
Monday, September 26, 2005
multi-tasking
Mood:  lazy
baby is almost 3 months old now. i'm feeding him and typing with one hand. he's really cute , not that im biased or anything. haha. but there is such a thing as an ugly baby.

im taking four classes online. so far, its kinda hard to get time to read the oh-so-exciting textbooks. i also have to go to campus to take the tests and i cant take payton with me so its a pain. (my bf is always working, last week he did come along tho and watch payton in the car. i wasnt gone long.)

our house isnt done yet, the upstairs at least. my bf has to fix it up this winter. more part of his rent-paying. his cousin his a complete jerk... he doesnt seem to realize my bf has a new baby at home to spend time with... or even a gf to spend time with... at his day job (working for his cousin) he gets there at 7 and ends up always working overtime till maybe 5. or later. then he has to come home, and work around either our house or his cousins mansion across the road to pay rent. he will come in the house late and then fall asleep on the couch. so we never see each other and then i sleep alone bc he's too tired to get up off the couch. believe, me i've tried EVERYTHING...

okay enough of that cousin crap...i am home with the baby alone all the time. we're out in the country so im not close to anything. i mean, a few miles but not a block like before. everyone i know lives like at least 30 minutes from here. so it stinks.

my mom.... SERIOUS problems... shes an alcholic.. in the last few months she had jaundice, problems walking, pancreatitis and now chirosis of the liver. shes been in the hospital a LOT. like so much that medicare or whatever is saying shes out of coverage. but what the big problem is... after i had the baby i moved out of the house of course. i used to always be there to cut the grass, take out the trash, clean up the house... after i left none of this got done. my mom was sitting around sick and drunk all the time making a huge mess, i mean HUGE. like couldnt get up to go to the bathroom kind of messes... i couldnt go help her bc i cant take the baby in that kind of place and things just got worse and worse. one time when she called an ambulance, one of the paramedics actually got SICK from the mess (smell and all) from the house. considering they are around all sorts of blood and things for a living and they got SICK from the house, that says something. anyway, after they took her away they called the city health inspector... and he condemned the house... so theres a big notice on the front door, with a list of things that need to be cleaned. the grass was like 3 feet tall....the city finally cut it... then, from my mom going back into the house so many times returning from the hospital, they actually boarded up all the windows on the first floor and put a padlock on the front door. for all that, and the grass they charged $287... not to mention the damage they did to the window frames and the door. oh well. this is all STRESSING ME OUT... my mom has no place to go... until the house is completely cleaned. some of it has been taken care of but the carpet needs cleaning or ripped out. this is she short version. its like some sort of bad Lifetime Network movie...

i just wish i could help but i cant.(with a new baby) and now its hard to get in the house anyway with the padlock, you have to go during the day to clean and they let you in. half of my sh** is still in the house too... GRRR. so i get phone calls all the time from my mom or her friend. {{sigh}}
enough thinking about all of that

Posted by carmen at 5:40 PM CDT
Updated: Monday, September 26, 2005 5:41 PM CDT
Sunday, September 25, 2005
I had my baby
Mood:  lazy
hello, i had my baby on June 28 at 9:00 am. Payton , a boy.. I didnt get my epidural!!! they took so long getting it to me and the baby came super fast. i got there at like 6:15 am and he came at 9. OUCH. i drove myself to the hospital while having a contraction. i mean,it was only like 1.5 miles or something but still! i pulled into the ER and walked in carrying my bag and i was looking pretty upset. the guard was like 'do you need some help?' but silly me said no and walked all the way to the elevators in the front of the hospital. then i lost my patience with the elevators. the one i got in didnt work so i WALKED up to the maternity ward. thats five flights of stairs caring that heavy bag. when i got there i stood at the desk and they didnt really say anything to me, finally they asked me how they could help me. they took me to a sort of intake area where i had to get undressed and do a urine test. i laid down on a bed and waited. the cramps started getting worse. since it was my first baby and my water hadn't broke they must not have thought anything was happening.... then my water started breaking a little bit. meanwhile... i couldnt get ahold of my bf bc it was early in the morning. FINALLY he had turned his cell phone on. he 'wasnt sure' if he should go to work or come to the hospital!!! duh! when the first checked me i was already dialated 3-4 cm... and with the water breaking they were like 'tell him to come.' he showed up all teary eyed and everything. i just wanted my epidural. the whole time they r like 'we're waiting on your blood work to make sure you wont clot.' #&$@*!!! i didnt get any stadahl or whatever bc 'we only administer that in a room' and there werent any rooms available!! GEEZ! The cramping got worse of course ...one minute they r saying im all the way dialated and cant get anything the next they're saying im not. anyway. right when they came in with the epidural and told me to sit up a huge contraction came on and i was like 'i have to push!' and they said it was ok. the pushing was no problem to me. i guess they gave me a shot for that. i was pretty eager to get it over with by then and was pushing pretty hard. it didnt take long , just a few pushes;. he didnt cry and they laid him on top of me. i didnt cry. i was pretty exhausted , tired of the pain...
anyway, more later. my bf and i are living in our house, that his cousin owns. my bf has to work 60 hrs around the place a month to 'pay rent.' plus at work he works like 50 hrs a week so i hardly see him at all and he's so tired he falls asleep on the couch all the time and wont move. its been pretty frustrating, his slave driver cousin and all. but more on that later.

Posted by carmen at 7:51 PM CDT
Sunday, June 19, 2005

Tada... and here he is. Sort of. This is an ultrasound picture of his face. You can see his left hand up to his mouth. He has some chubby cheeks! At the Dr appt monday they said he was about 6 lbs 11 0z already!! but that can be off by some this far along. still, he has 2 lbs to gain from that date if he is born on July 9. (half a pound a week) my bf weighed less than that when he was born, he was early. i was like 8 lbs 6 oz or something.

we still havent moved into our house. its not ready. my bf is working on it. its an old farm house. 4 bedrooms upstairs but its not done up there. the downstairs has been worked on mostly. like a new bathroom and floors in all but the kitchen. theres 2 screened in porches and a BIG front porch. so if the baby comes tomorrow. uh oh we're in trouble.... :-D

Happy Fathers Day

Posted by carmen at 11:02 PM CDT

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